Procrastination and Fear

About 8 months ago I bought a sketch pad and watercolor pencils. I used to draw all the time, but haven’t sketched anything in years. I thought with this little gift to myself I would respark my creativity. I had grand plans for it and yet, still it sits, the pad unopened, the pencils still in their packaging. What am I waiting for? Tomorrow, I keep telling myself, I will have time to sit and draw. But something always comes up– I forget, cleaning, family obligations… And when I do have a clear chunk of time, the fear sneaks up. There’s something about the first page of the book that’s keeping me away. I keep thinking that if I make a horrible picture on the first page, I’ll be reminded of my failure every time I open the book.

Just start on the first page? Well, I’ve reasoned that they second page becomes the first page if the first is blank. Then I talked myself out of just ripping out the first page if I am so inclined. And while that seems a better idea, I still feel I will know it’s there, like the ghost of a bad idea, watching over me, tainting all other attempts. Yes, I know, I’ve got issues.  The best course probably is to just do it, draw a damn picture and take it for what it’s worth.

I find this is a common course for me, overthinking things. I spend so much time looking to the end that I lose sight of the process of learning. With writing, I was frustrated that I couldn’t capture what was in my head the instant it appeared. It’s taken me a while to realize that I need rewrites. I can’t write a perfect first draft. Maybe that’s how I should look at that first page in my sketch pad– a first draft.

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2 Responses

  1. […] somehow the act of creation has up and left me for good.  I described this same kind of fear in my first post.  A year later and I still haven’t drawn anything  in that sketch book […]

  2. […] What if I make a mistake?! And it’s so hard to tell myself so what if I make a mistake? In my very first post, I talked about this fear of mistakes and how I could bring myself to use a sketch pad I had […]

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